Manners Maketh A Model Minister
The Age
Saturday November 11, 2006
Transcript of morning assembly, Parliament Primary School, Canberra, ACT. Teacher: Miss J. I. Bishop (B.Ed, M.Ed, PhD, University of Kalgoorlie).
GOOD morning, class.Good morning, Miss Bishop.You may sit - all, that is, except for Howard, who didn't bother to stand and will now kindly do so for the rest of the lesson ... what? ... oh ... you were standing. Well, sit down and don't interrupt. And stop that snivelling.Now, this is the first of several classes we're holding in political deportment and general good manners. The decline in civility in the upper and lower schools has been of extreme concern to the headmaster, Major-General Jeffery, who has said it would not have been tolerated in his day at Duntroon. While we don't want to go as far as the headmaster's remedy of cold baths and 3am runs around Lake Burley Griffin in one's underwear, we do feel some extra tuition is in order to restore at least some spirit of decency. When I was at Rottnest Girls High, we wouldn't have dreamed of coming to school with dirty uniforms or ridiculous hairdos - yes, Bishop, I'm referring to you: take that rat's nest home at lunchtime and see if your mother can make sense of it. While I'm at it, Coonan, go to the girls' room now and scrape off that eyeliner and mascara and come back a normal-looking girl. Stott Despoja, don't widen those eyes at me; there's no reason to look smug - even if you're leaving at the end of term, you still have to be nice to the other girls. And, Vanstone, don't do that.Yes, Beazley? No, corporal punishment isn't a good idea and I don't care if Tuckey said he wanted to push your head round the S-bend in the boys' toilets; it's no excuse for you to leave a dead mouse in his pigeonhole.What is it, Ruddock? What? Speak up, boy! Well, there's a law against that sort of thing and, besides, it would not do the slightest good keeping Tuckey awake all night to help him mend his ways.Pay attention, please. A question. What is the first thing you should do at morning assembly? Abbott, first as usual. You're on the right track, but God Save the Queen is no longer sung in this school. Downer? Downer ... oh, he's still away, is he? Rudd, you're only mimicking Downer because you're jealous. Yes, Costello, and that calculator's no help. Very good - we sing Advance Australia Fair! What, Howard? It's all very well for you to say you knew the answer to that, but you should have put your hand up ... speaking of which, holding Janette's hand is very well-mannered, but not in class. Vanstone, please.All right, here's an easier one. Give me ... look, keep the souvlaki until recess, Georgiou; and, Beazley, it's no good giving me that innocent look, I'll confiscate that packet of Tim Tams now - and don't bother sneaking them under the desk to Gillard, she doesn't eat anything . . . Where was I? Give me a recent example of showing respect. Yes, Turnbull! Er, I'm not sure buying your classmates $50 worth of licorice allsorts is exactly a mark of respect, even if you do bring more pocket money to school than anyone else. Fielding? "Turn the other cheek" is a nice thought, but perhaps a bit self-indulgent. "Love Thy Neighbour", much better? But don't you read any other books? Tuckey! "Rot in hell, you turncoat bastard" is completely unacceptable - the headmaster will deal with you. And remember what happened to Latham. What's that, Ferguson? Mmph bgh narggh! Downer's extracurricular elocution classes haven't taught you a thing, have they? Garrett, how many times do I have to tell you not to bring your guitar to class? And McGauran Minor, if you want to leave the room, come up with a better reason than wanting to water the lawn. Brown - Brown! - pet frogs are against school rules. Vanstone, please don't - you know Kemp Major doesn't like that sort of thing.Right. Class dismissed. Not so fast, Vaile and Katter - don't they teach you manners in the bush? Oh, you're all hopeless! You're behaving like a bunch of out-of-control politicians. Stop it this instant!Michael Shmith is a senior writer.
© 2006 The Age
